How To Grieve The Loss of A Parent

If you just lost a parent, you might be experiencing a lot of emotions: overwhelm, grief, shock (even if it was expected), and your world that used to be expansive has narrowed to figuring out what to do next and how to deal. You may have lost someone before, but this is the first time they have been someone really close to you. Your friends also don’t know what to do- because this is the first time they’ve ever had a friend lose a parent. What should you do first? Eat something. Eat something before you read the rest of this blog- I know you forgot. All the to-dos and feelings can wait.

While everyone’s grief process is unique, I’ll walk you through some of the steps to start your healing process. I’ll also normalize some feelings in grief, and how losing a parent in your 20s or 30s is different than later in life. I want to assure you that you will get through this. You will have to go through some shit first though. Now that you’ve eaten, here’s some steps and tips to consider next:

1. Do what feels right in your schedule.

If you want to take time off work, use your time off for your mental health and to take care of things. Some companies have Bereavement Days for employees who have lost someone. If you want to keep working, go for it. Sometimes the normalcy of still clocking in and seeing coworkers feels natural. If something seems too strenuous, you will know it, and I give you full permission to get out of it till you feel better.

2. Be gracious with your friends.

They don’t know what to say or how to support you, and they probably won’t get it right. It’s rare that anyone has lost someone this young in their life, and grief is awkward. Ask directly for what you need: have them take you to lunch, send you chocolates, watch a movie, go for a walk, go to the beach. You also might just want to be alone- and that’s okay. You also don’t have to respond to all the texts/phone calls. They’ll understand. You don’t have to be vulnerable about how you are doing with all the people. You can keep it private.

3. The funeral is for you.

There’s a lot of pressure to make a good funeral because there’s lots of people that will be there, but remember that it’s for you to honor your parent first and they are there for you. Speak if you want, sit next to your loved ones, be around the people that are going to create the least amount of stress for you on that day.

4. Grieve at your pace.

Everyone is going to be grieving at a different pace around you. Don’t rush your process. If you don’t want to look at pictures, don’t. If you don’t want to talk about it, don’t. Grief comes in waves. You may be doing well one day and then break down the next- and the days that you break down will start to have more and more good days in between them.

5. Grieve it all.

Grief can be ambiguous, so I’ll give you a list of some of the things that you might need to grieve after losing a parent in your 20s/30s: someone who knows you and your history since you were born, a sense of belonging to your immediate family, someone who knows your childhood friends, a guilt-free phone call if you needed anything, a safety net, someone you look like, someone who calls you theirs, all their silly sayings/quirks, who you were around them, traditions with them, future events they won’t be at, their approval, and their advice.

6. When you lose one parent, you lose them both (for a while).

Although you lost one parent, it might feel like you lost both because of your surviving parents’ grief process. You might even feel obligated to take care of the surviving parent. I don’t have much to say that would help with this, but I think just saying it helps.

7. They live in your heart now.

Although their physical body isn’t here anymore, there’s a theory in psychology that everyone that makes an impression on us we carry in our hearts and minds. If you had a good relationship with your parent, you can bring them to your mind when you are going through something difficult and they can help you get through it with whatever sayings you remember from them or the way they made you feel.

If you need help navigating the loss of a parent or loved one,